So what was this year about?

Probably about being less anxious. Less anxious about uncertainty. Less anxious about other people’s approval, about spending time by myself, about trying new things. Anxiety didn’t disappear, but it softened. I stopped medication for the time being, with occasional help from therapy, and learned that not everything has to fully resolve in order to be lived with.

Balance; soft pastel painting

This year I explored new things from starting an Instagram page—which helped me(us) reflect, learn, and do something about some of the things I(we) care about—to searching for jobs that I always wanted , but never tried. I spent half the year making a home far from home, and the other half feeling at home nowhere and everywhere, half the year resting, the second half catching up. 

In a way, I am unable to find hope in the world, but I feel more free and less burdened by it. Somehow something shifted within me, for better or worse. The need to achieve something loosened its grip. I became okay with finishing a day with a small mix of satisfaction, novelty, boredom, and disappointment without expecting it to add up to anything pronounced in the long run. At the same time, I stopped expecting things to be the same. Somehow, this unstable way of living feels like the only way to live in this world, where a better future cannot be taken for granted. I miss people and places all the time, but I move through. 

So that's what this year was about!

Learning to live without needing things to settle, and allowing myself to move through the world with less fear and more freedom. I guess!